From A to B in Style

So, transportation. Touchy subject.

I've lived in several different places around the world, and I've used several different methods of transportation. So needless to say, I have seen the light... at the end of a subway tunnel. Here I'd like to show you what I believe to be the best and safest transportation method. Sounds boring, right? Just keep reading...

First, let's take a step back and analyze our options. For this analysis, we will use a scale from 1-10.

1) On foot:

Pros: Well, it's free. And healthy. And allows you to enjoy the landscape. Pretty standard, been using this method since the dawn of mankind, blah blah blah whatever.

Cons: Are you freaking kidding me?! Do you have any idea how much blisters hurt? And they take forever and a day to heal, too.

What about the pathogenic offspring of satan himself that crawl on the floor, plotting their next moves against unsuspecting victims and then striking us down with microbic fury? Out of sight, out of mind, yes? Think again.

Furthermore, you can throw time management and surviving in the 21st century out of the window.

Points: 3

2) Bikes [not motorbikes]:

Pros: Faster than on foot, gets you further, equally healthy. Bike continuously for a few months, and you might have some robust, Spartany legs. But don't kid yourself, you couldn't touch Spartan swagger if a donkey-rhino kicked you in the face.

Additionally, biking can also be used to demonstrate your paycheck by purchasing an overpriced piece of metal. 

Cons: I don't know about most of you, but I happen to have a very delicate balance going on down there. One that says: anything hard and straight should either be attached to me or the furthest away possible from me.

Bikes are prone to theft from my experience, and there are many limitations on where you can legally or safely ride. They are also heavily dependent on your level of fitness and motivation. Otherwise you'll just be another slowpoke in the way.

Points : 4 

3) Cars:

Pros: Well, cars are standard. They can take you to most places with land, are fairly safe, allow you to listen to music, have air conditioning for hot days, etc etc etc.

Cons: Unhealthy as holy hell. Why? You just SIT there!!! Also, in case you make a mistake, thats 2 tons of steel coming on top of you buddy. Insurance and gas are also ungodly expensive, and only tend to increase in price.

Points: 6

4) Bus:

Pros: Cheap, fairly reliable, with pre-set paths. Not that bad, really.

Cons: Try taking a Bus in the Summer, in São Paulo. Especially one in the morning. You will roast. And then you´ll dehydrate. And then roast again. And sometimes you'd arrive faster if you went on foot or rode a bike.

Points: 5

5) Subway/Metro/Trains:
Pros: Well, these are very cirumstancial and only work properly in SOME places. Still, they're fast, reliable and fairly safe, not to mention cheap.

Cons: Can be just as crowded as busses. And for some reason, people really enjoy suiciding in their tracks, which causes delays, mourning wives/husbands and the newspapers to criticize videogames.

Points: 5,5

6) Motorbikes:

Pros: FREEEEEDOOOOMM!!!! Ride the wind, see the world! Motorbikes take you even further than cars and, in most cases, faster too!

Cons: Sadly, minced meat comes from two places: the butcher and motorbike crashes. Plus gas costs, insurance, blah blah blah.

Points: 6,5

7) Boats:

Pros: You get to say "I'm on a boat, Motherf..!!! And enjoy the sea breeze, the landscape, the cocktails.

Cons: Good luck swimming back to land once that crapalistic ark sinks.

Points: 6,5

8) Airplanes:

Pros: "Safest way to travel!" Plus, they serve snacks. And cake. MmMMmm cake...

Cons: Very few people can afford to fly all the time. And first borns are not selling very well so.. airplanes, 'though amazing, have limited uses. They require aiports, WAY too many people to make sure they won´t like, crash.. etc etc etc.

Points: 7

9) Polar Bears:

Pros: I'll leave that to the oatmeal. ---> Polar bears!

Cons: Well, Polar bears are awesome, but alas, they still can't fly. So you'd be limited as to where you can actually go.

Points: 8

And now, for the real deal.

10) Pterodatcyl:

Pros: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!?! IT'S A FREAKING PTERODACTYL!!!!! But lemme give you some more info:

- They fly.

- It eats annoying people really, really fast.

- They fly.

- It´s fueled by pure hatred against anything not its momma (you)

- They fly.

- With the proper engineering, shoots lazors out of its eyes.

- Did I mention they fly?

- You´ll get anywhere, fast.

- Uhm.. yeah, fly.

- Doesn't cost a dime, has no insurance costs, doesn´t require a team to operate.

- Fly?

Cons: ...... Are you really concerned? It's a Pterodactyl.

Points: 10

From the artist & blog author at http://skippingclass.tumblr.com

So, my dear readers. If I were you, I'd be reevaluating my means of transportation, because given the fantastic argumentation above: Pterodactyls are the superior way to get from A to B.


-Lord Gui